Week 5: The Courtesan Asleep

Week 5/52

Characters are a good thing. They free us from ourselves, they allow us to take action where we normally wouldn't, they make us see things with a different set of eyes. That's why I always envied actors so much: they get to do it for a living. But the thing is, I can do it too. I do it for less time, usually for a few hundred frames, and then let it go. Or not. I can also live in this character for a day, for a week, when I write. And this, what you see in the photo above, is the culmination of both. I am writing this character right now, and at the same time I'm photographing her. She's a courtesan in Paris in the beginning of the 20th century, like Satine on Moulin Rouge; like Jane Avril in the Toulouse-Lautrec posters or Olympia in Manet's painting. That was exactly my goal with this photo. A painting-like feel (using my new lights, which I am LOVING) and the bohemian feeling. It's up to you, dear readers/viewers, to decide if I succeeded or not.

This photo is also an homage to the week that I had, in which I had so much fun that it seemed almost obscene. I went to an erotic fair last night (YES. LOL.) and one of the lectures I attended was given by this absolutely stunning guy, who besides being gorgeous also knew a couple of things about sex (heee! every girl in that room was drooling and sighing, I tell you). And he said something that made me think: It's not about how much pleasure someone gives you, it's about how much pleasure you allow yourself to feel.

This applies to every field of our lives; most of the time, we keep good things from coming our way by being negative — we don't allow ourselves to be fully happy. I know I did this a lot this week; feeling guilty for feeling so happy, for having so much fun, when I should... what? be productive? have a tamer mind? be a good girl and stay at home and in the kitchen? I had fun with friends and alone and reading and doing the things I usually do, but I felt guilty. And that's so ridiculous.

From now on, I want to do my best to live my life fully; to allow myself to accept pleasure with the same willingness I accept pain; to live epically, to love epically and to allow myself to be loved back. I'm tired of settling. I'm tired of the school of thought that made me think 'oh, maybe he'll love me later on' or 'I should not argue with her, she's a complicated person'. Screw that. Life's too short not to be lived to its fullest, and settling is not a part of that. I want to love epically, and I want to rise and fall and do it all, but I want to do it for real. And if I need characters like this woman for that, then hell yes, I'll do it.

[This week will have an exception; I'll post an outtake below, because it's so close to the original that I won't post it later, that's for sure. So you get two photos for the price of one!]