Week #12 — Clarissa's Breakdown

Week 12/52

I remember Jamie’s look as he stopped the car and turned it off. He didn’t look straight at me, looking outside his window first, as if he was gathering up the courage to say something. The words died in his mouth, though, when I opened my own door and stepped out.

I walked for a couple of seconds, and then I ran. It was a very large piece of land, so I ran for a minute or two, feeling the two of them not too far behind me. I brought my hand up to my face as I started to feel the moisture, and realized I was actually crying. Finally.

What I remember the most about the time this picture was taken was the mixture of feelings, the sense of grief and relief at the same time. I hadn’t cried yet. Not when Matthew had left, not when I was at the hospital and the doctor had told me the fetus didn’t have a heartbeat. Something inside of me had hardened the night Matthew and I had fought and he had slammed the door on my face, and as I ran down that field, I could feel that same hardness melting away, dissolving into the tears that were streaming down my face. I know I stopped, I let my head fall back and I took a deep breath. That’s when I heard the click. The shot was taken.

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Again, I'm flooding you with bits and parts of the novel I'm writing, parts that are being cut or heavily edited, so there's no harm in showing them off. Please bear in mind that these are first drafts. If you care to read the rest of the scene, you can do it in my writing blog.

I'm taking a huge risk here, because I'm well aware that this is not the commercial 'oh everybody likes it' kind of shot. The thing is, I'm sort of in love with it. Batshit, crazy in love with the damn shot and with the fact that I hadn't been able to make something like... this in a while. And the best part is that I don't need to be in that dark place to do it, now. This was supposed to be a light photoshoot. I laughed like a maniac as I rolled around in the grass, alone, as I twirled with my arms spread wide. It was an unbelievably joyful afternoon. But then for a couple of minutes, I got serious. Not sad, not desperate, just serious. And this came out.