Week #14 — Underneath the Fall

Week 14/52

I almost didn't post this week. I'm not at all satisfied with how this shot came out, but I made a commitment, right? So here it is. And I just remembered I'll have to sing (alone) in public next Monday. OH GOD. I'm so screwed.

I'm in a very strange place, art-wise. And in the past few days, I have been giving a lot of thought to the concept of artistic integrity. It's been on my mind, especially because of this project, because I am so often torn between posting a photo that I truly love or posting another that I know will be popular, that will give me reviews and recognition.

Lately, I've been leaning more and more towards posting the works that I love instead of the ones I know will get more comments or favorites or notes; that usually ends up with me depressed and pissed at myself when I don't get the kind of reception I had expected. And I'm not blaming you, my darling viewers, because I know that if something is strange enough, it will keep you from saying something. It keeps ME from saying something. I am, however, blaming myself for caving, most times, and for posting the one I know will be loved and seen.

And now I'm calling it 'caving'. Really? Just because you post a photo you know will be popular instead of an artistic one, does it mean you lose your integrity? Does it mean you give up on what you believe? It's an incredibly complicated choice to make, and I usually go with the compromise: an artsy shot with a pretty outtake, or the other way around. That's how it's going to work this week. But I'm still not satisfied.

To think that I had to climb onto a waterfall and nearly killed myself, and now I don't even like the shot.

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On a different subject, I found this site that allows you to write an email to the future and receive it on a date you set yourself. I wrote my email today, and while I was expecting to write a couple of lines, I ended up with three pages and a smile on my face. I wonder how I'll be in a year and a half. I wonder if New York will work out, I wonder if it'll change me. I wonder if I'll still be alone or if I'll find someone to recreate that 'For Lovers Only' teaser with me. I wonder if I'll still be me.

Note: If anyone knows who this texture belongs to, please let me know through PM? I can't find the source. I had never used it, so I didn't take note at the time I downloaded it and now I don't know who it belongs to. :/

Oh, and please press 'L'?

And don't forget to follow me on twitter!

Week #13 — The Invisible Girl

Week 13/52

Despite the fact that I took another 'photo of the week' yesterday, I couldn't help myself. I had to post my favourite shot out of the Sanatorium series, because I love it so darn much, and I thought it was better than anything else I might have taken this week. So here it is.

This is dark. The whole series is, but this photo and the two others that compose this moment within the series (which can be seen in the comments), are darker than anything else. I think it's because it coincides with the first time that afternoon that I felt like I was shooting completely alone. Luís and Diego were on the other side of the building with my teacher and I was finally on my own, in that terrifying place, and I finally allowed myself to breathe. Before that, I'd been shooting near them, but this time I was on my own. So I just took a moment and saw that light and put myself in the middle of it.

The weather is absolutely marvelous here; it's warm and sunny, so I'm just a couple of minutes away from moving this party to my rooftop, along with my guitar and a cold lemonade, and just enjoy an afternoon of fun and music. The mood right now is very different from that of the picture, so I hope you all have the most lovely weekend, and that your lives are filled with joy!

OH, and in case you want to see the rest of the series, it's here!

Week #12 — Clarissa's Breakdown

Week 12/52

I remember Jamie’s look as he stopped the car and turned it off. He didn’t look straight at me, looking outside his window first, as if he was gathering up the courage to say something. The words died in his mouth, though, when I opened my own door and stepped out.

I walked for a couple of seconds, and then I ran. It was a very large piece of land, so I ran for a minute or two, feeling the two of them not too far behind me. I brought my hand up to my face as I started to feel the moisture, and realized I was actually crying. Finally.

What I remember the most about the time this picture was taken was the mixture of feelings, the sense of grief and relief at the same time. I hadn’t cried yet. Not when Matthew had left, not when I was at the hospital and the doctor had told me the fetus didn’t have a heartbeat. Something inside of me had hardened the night Matthew and I had fought and he had slammed the door on my face, and as I ran down that field, I could feel that same hardness melting away, dissolving into the tears that were streaming down my face. I know I stopped, I let my head fall back and I took a deep breath. That’s when I heard the click. The shot was taken.

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Again, I'm flooding you with bits and parts of the novel I'm writing, parts that are being cut or heavily edited, so there's no harm in showing them off. Please bear in mind that these are first drafts. If you care to read the rest of the scene, you can do it in my writing blog.

I'm taking a huge risk here, because I'm well aware that this is not the commercial 'oh everybody likes it' kind of shot. The thing is, I'm sort of in love with it. Batshit, crazy in love with the damn shot and with the fact that I hadn't been able to make something like... this in a while. And the best part is that I don't need to be in that dark place to do it, now. This was supposed to be a light photoshoot. I laughed like a maniac as I rolled around in the grass, alone, as I twirled with my arms spread wide. It was an unbelievably joyful afternoon. But then for a couple of minutes, I got serious. Not sad, not desperate, just serious. And this came out.

Week #11 — The Occasional Sleepover

Week 11/52

This is the perfect example of the shot that looked so much better in my mind, but with the tiny window of time I had to actually shoot, and with the crappy sunlight (this was supposed to be shot at sunset or dawn) and everything going wrong, this ended up being the result. Blah.

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"I keep having this dream" Clarissa's words were soft, almost inaudible against the sounds of the morning in the Piazza. He briefly considered getting up and closing the window, but he threw that thought aside as he turned on his side and watched her face. "That I wake up in a rooftop, as if it were my bed."

"Which rooftop?"

"New York. Your old apartment in the Village." she smiles a little, but he still senses the tension, the trouble she has sharing these kinds of things. "And around me there's a bunch of lamps. Old, oily lamps, all hanging from nowhere."

She turns slightly, laying on her side with her face to him. Clarissa tries to hide her embarrassment by hiding part of her face in the pillow, but she knows he can read through her. He always could. "It's almost like an urban fairytale."

Matthew laughs softly, in the same way he'd laugh at a child's idle joke.

"Aren't you quite the urban princess."

"I am."

So, this is a scene I cut from the Lent Novel. It's lousy, but it's what inspired me in the first place, so it deserves to be here.

I have a hard time with dreams, most of the time. I dream every night, I don't know what it's like to sleep dreamlessly, and the dreams are usually either immensely funny or incredibly upsetting. It's not uncommon for me to wake up crying or laughing like a maniac, but I have learned how to deal and push them aside when they're bad, and to find strength in them when they're good. It's just that quirky, silly fact about me. I will always dream, and I will always feel like everything is going wrong when I wake up, but that's a part of who I am and it's not about to change. :)

I hope you all have a truly wonderful weekend, and that all your dreams are as fairytale-like as mine. :)

Week 10 — A World of Magic

Week 10/52

I sat around on tuesday, thinking that exhausted as I was, I didn't have a proper theme or setting for this week's photo. I was starting to panic a bit, because by tuesday I usually have a theme and a scheme for the photo, and this week I had nilch. Nada. Zero. So I asked myself what was the most important issue in my mind at the moment, and came up with two things: my little sister's surgery next week, and my novel.

I decided to write a Lent novel as a catharsis. When I allowed myself to go down last fall, I stopped reading, I stopped doing any of the things I normally did. But as I got better, I realized I could measure it by my reading; the more I read, the better i felt. I'm back to a minimum of one novel per week, and I absolutely love it. And I'm back to writing, which is an inefable relief, since I hadn't been able to do it for a while.

Words have been my weapon of wield since long before photography. When I still didn’t know I wanted to be a photographer, I knew I would spend my life writing, even if it was as a hobby. There’s a quality in words, which is almost... other worldly. This is what this shot is about, the magic that comes from a book or a fairytale. Images can stunn you at first, and make you think, and make your stomach bubble with joy or emotion, but words? Words, when properly arranged, can take you out of this reality, and throw you into something so much better. Or so much worse, if that’s your thing. Both things change us, and they’re both important. They complement each other; words go where the image can’t, and when you run out of them, the beauty of a graphic representation steps in.

One thing I ask of God is that He allow me to keep my innocence and my ability to be marveled by art. To be swept off my feet by a simple image, to feel that flutter in my stomach when I read the first paragraph of The End of the Affair, or to get teary eyed when I listen to Vivaldi’s Gloria. That innocence, I think, is what is always going to bring me back, put me back on my feet. Because as long as there’s art, I’m safe.

And don't forget to enter my print giveaway!

Week 9 — A Belief System

What do you believe in? Do you believe in angels? Do you believe in fate? Do you believe that you're destined to do something, that you were put upon this Earth to perform one specific task, to learn one specific skill? Do you believe in God? Do you believe in many gods, or in one alone? Do you believe in Jesus, or Mohammed, or Buda or any other perceived diety? Do you believe in good and evil? Do you believe that life is black and white, or do you stand for the shades of grey? Do you believe in salvation? Do you believe in the religious version of salvation, or the human kind, the kind where people redeem themselves? Do you believe in second chances? Do you believe in fate telling you something when you see someone passing you by on the street? Do you believe in love, or do you believe in the chemistry that goes on in the brain that makes the world go fuzzy and all the songs make sense? Do you believe in passion, and do you think it can be as destructive as obsession? Do you believe in the good in people? Do you believe they can do bad things when they're fundamentally good? Do you believe in sin? Do you believe in forgiveness. Would you forgive? Would you forget? Do you believe in new beginnings? Do you believe in baggage preventing you from getting that new beginning? Do you believe in the goodness of life?

And the most important question of all, do you have faith? Not just in God or religion, but do you have faith in life, in love and in the people around you?

(and yes, I do.)

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Week 8 — For Lovers Only

Week 8/52

The title is stolen from the Polish Brothers movie of the same name, that is yet to come out but which I'm already obsessed with.

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I'm not in love with this shot. I hate my bunny teeth and I'm not happy with a lot of it. But I felt compelled to post it, anyway. I have no idea why.

I had the absolute craziest week ever, work-wise, and I only had time to actually prepare everything for the photo yesterday morning, and knowing I had plans yesterday afternoon and for all of the day today. To make matters better, I didn't have access to my studio for as long as I needed and my remote broke down. So I had to make do. This is a bit of a comeback to the photos from my 365, with natural light, no textures and soft colors. I actually wanted to do something different, to use the texture within the subject and not in post-production, and that's what the tulle is there for. The inspiration for the shooting was also the trailer of the movie I mentioned above, with my currently-favorite actress, Stana Katic. I wanted something that felt as intimate and as gloriously romantic as that trailer feels. And damn, I can't wait to see the movie! :)

[+3 outtakes in the comments, becaus they're too close to this one for me to post later.]

EDIT: Here's the link to the trailer, in case you want to take a peek:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qss42Va35Tg

Week 7: she breathes rainbows

This photo came out competely different from the idea that I had in the beginning of the week. I was supposed to work with lettering and words, but got tired of that idea and saw the fabric, the colorful felt laying around in the studio. Yes, the rainbow is made of felt, that I sticked to the wall. LOL. I know, it's incredibly silly, but I was in love with this idea of the girl that exhaled rainbows and everything was so pink and pretty and I just went with it. I actually like the result; it isn't as dramatic as the previous ones, but I think it can be equally deep.

My anthem for the week was 'Let it Rain', by the always lovely and overly-mentioned-in-my-photos Sara Bareilles. And the lyrics are something like this:

I want to darken in the skies

Open the floodgates up

I want to change my mind

I want to be enough

I want the water in my eyes

I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight

I hold on to worry so tight

It's safe in here right next to my heart

Who now shouts at the top of her voice

Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice

And I always felt it before

That the world was filled with much more

Than the drowning soul I've learned to be

I just need the rain to remind me.

And this is pretty much what this is about. Let the rain come, make a brand new ground. Suffering is requires for happiness to come; you need to let go of old skins in order to get new, better ones. So I just need to learn how to let go. Let the rain fall, wash everything away, so something new and wonderful can grow.

Week 6: a girl and her guitar

I'm taking a bit of a risk with this one. It's my favorite shot from the whole batch, but it's monochrome, and I don't usually go with monochrome in these projects. But still, I love it. And to appease the color-seeking minds, a similar version, in color, is in the comments. And as usual, one of the textures is Pareeeerica's and another one is mine. :)

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I don't think it's a secret to anyone here, how much I love music. And if you had told me, when I was in college, that I would actually be studying music now, I'd laugh in your face. But life has a way of coming back and biting you in the ass, even with good things, so I have come to realize, lately, that I am incredibly lucky to do what I do now. I study in a school that is welcoming, warm, made incredible friends there and I'm now part of a choir that is made of pure brilliance. I'm taking guitar lessons and voice lessons and I'm getting there, I'm learning and I'm allowing music to be a part of my life.

I have also realized, these past few months, that I have this almost pathological need to express myself. Perhaps that's what makes me an (wannabe!) artist, but I can't just sit and think and listen and not say anything. I need to express myself somehow, that's how I survive. And I have been blessed with the means to do it, whether it's through photography, through writing, through painting or through music. I am unbelievably lucky.

I hope you all have an absolutely wonderful weekend, my darlings. :)

Week 5: The Courtesan Asleep

Week 5/52

Characters are a good thing. They free us from ourselves, they allow us to take action where we normally wouldn't, they make us see things with a different set of eyes. That's why I always envied actors so much: they get to do it for a living. But the thing is, I can do it too. I do it for less time, usually for a few hundred frames, and then let it go. Or not. I can also live in this character for a day, for a week, when I write. And this, what you see in the photo above, is the culmination of both. I am writing this character right now, and at the same time I'm photographing her. She's a courtesan in Paris in the beginning of the 20th century, like Satine on Moulin Rouge; like Jane Avril in the Toulouse-Lautrec posters or Olympia in Manet's painting. That was exactly my goal with this photo. A painting-like feel (using my new lights, which I am LOVING) and the bohemian feeling. It's up to you, dear readers/viewers, to decide if I succeeded or not.

This photo is also an homage to the week that I had, in which I had so much fun that it seemed almost obscene. I went to an erotic fair last night (YES. LOL.) and one of the lectures I attended was given by this absolutely stunning guy, who besides being gorgeous also knew a couple of things about sex (heee! every girl in that room was drooling and sighing, I tell you). And he said something that made me think: It's not about how much pleasure someone gives you, it's about how much pleasure you allow yourself to feel.

This applies to every field of our lives; most of the time, we keep good things from coming our way by being negative — we don't allow ourselves to be fully happy. I know I did this a lot this week; feeling guilty for feeling so happy, for having so much fun, when I should... what? be productive? have a tamer mind? be a good girl and stay at home and in the kitchen? I had fun with friends and alone and reading and doing the things I usually do, but I felt guilty. And that's so ridiculous.

From now on, I want to do my best to live my life fully; to allow myself to accept pleasure with the same willingness I accept pain; to live epically, to love epically and to allow myself to be loved back. I'm tired of settling. I'm tired of the school of thought that made me think 'oh, maybe he'll love me later on' or 'I should not argue with her, she's a complicated person'. Screw that. Life's too short not to be lived to its fullest, and settling is not a part of that. I want to love epically, and I want to rise and fall and do it all, but I want to do it for real. And if I need characters like this woman for that, then hell yes, I'll do it.

[This week will have an exception; I'll post an outtake below, because it's so close to the original that I won't post it later, that's for sure. So you get two photos for the price of one!]